I just ran for the first time in almost three months. I decided I had to do 5k in 25 min. It ended up taking about 28 min, plus there were a couple breaks to catch my breath. But I'm going to keep aiming for that until I get it. That will be my first goal: 5k in 25 min, no breaks. This is part of a bigger plan to get myself together, to not fall apart totally this winter, to get decent marks, to be reasonably content and happy, to be stronger and healthier. I have decided to lose 10lbs. I've weighed 10lbs less at this height before and I was quite healthy and thought I looked quite good. I could have said, I would like to lose 10lbs, but where would that get me? I'm tired of hearing myself think negative thoughts about my body, and I don't have the energy to make myself totally accept my body as it is (and there is some reason not to - I'm the most out of shape than I've been in a long time). So I might as well just change it. the exercise should be good for my head too. so I will start weighing myself once a week and eating better. I will limit myself to one "treat" a day - one alcoholic beverage or a couple cookies or half a chocolate bar, etc. Everything else will be reasonably healthy, in moderate portions.

I still feel sick from running 2 hrs ago. That's good though.

I wanted to give those polaroids to my ex. we were going to get together for a last good bye at christmas, but that is most likely not going to happen any more. I thought about giving them to the boy I'm seeing, but that just doesn't seem right. we like each other, we have fun togther, but it's just not like that. we're not close. we're not intimate. we don't talk on the phone into the wee hours of the morning. I dunno.
Kinda weird that those are so special to me, and yet I have them up on my journal and in the polaroid community for all the livejournal world to see.

(I'd give them to my friend if I could).

I have a huge crush on my best friend (a girl).
She's bi too but she's way too good for me and she's got a big crush on a guy right now.
And she doesn't even know I'm bi.
The boy I'm sleeping with is nice.
I don't want to be in a relationship because I don't think I'm good enough for the kind of people I could fall in love with. I don't want to fall in love with someone (or have someone fall in love with me) if I can't be incredible to them. I'd want to be so good for them, be my best for that person, and I don't think I can do that yet. my best friend is amazing but we're not even all that close yet. we don't see each other super often. I don't want to mess anything up though. I don't know if I should even tell her I'm bi. I'm afraid to tell her in part because I'm afraid she'll think I'm being trendy about it, or copying her or something. Or that then she'd start wondering if I have a crush on her. And I don't want her to know because it might be awkward and I'm not good enough for her and if stuff got messed up so we weren't friends any more, I'd just die. I don't think that's too likely because she is very understanding and loving and not the type to be all weird about things... but I'm scared anyway.
Fuck, she's so gorgeous. And brilliant. And passionate. And loving. and....
*sigh*
I'm thrilled that she's my friend, anyway.


I still miss my ex.
I'm sad about that and I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
It's bad when I suddenly miss him while I'm in bed with this other guy. What am I supposed to do, when I feel like crying and I can't?
I hate how winter makes me feel so lonely and blue all the time.
I wish I lived with my friends so they'd always be around (we'd probably maybe drive each other crazy though... or maybe not).

I haven't been home since judo on wednesday. We've been getting along like a house on fire...I stayed up all night with her while she completed something for her job on thursday night...and then we stayed up all night again, just talking, last night.

so now I'm sleeping with a boy I will never have feelings for in that way, and I really really fucking miss my ex. mostly I miss him as my best friend, but I do really miss him as my boyfriend/lover too. and he's falling for this girl, and he's really happy, and I just want to be happy for him, but it's so hard. (and, I broke up with him).
fuck.
I can't sleep. It's so hard to fall asleep without saying goodnight to him first.
fuck. I'm so lonely and pissed off at myself and sad.

I feel like crying for no reason.

This boy I slept with last night told me he has never really had good sex. I don't understand how you can be in a relationship with someone for a relatively long time and not get good at having sex together. And apparently we had more sex in about 10 hours than he'd have in a month with his last girlfriend. I didn't even think we'd had that much. And he thought it was weird to have sex in the morning, after waking up together.

He's a very nice boy. He was very nice to spend the night with. And he has his own apartment. His very own space and it's clean and pretty neat. I'm so jealous. And he listens to good music and used to be a professional ballet dancer.

school's a fucking bore.
I want to quit. work a mediocre job. and have fun in all my time off. have sex. have my own apartment. (those two would go well together). meet some new people. write some poems and crochet some hats. be a frickin' hippie in peace in my own little space.

last night I was very tempted to steal polaroid film from walmart. I hate walmart. I love polaroids.

for when I get some friends on this journal:
how can I come out as bi? I don't want people to freak out. I don't want it to be a big deal.

this pirate is already sick of school.
I'd rather think about hot boys. and girls. but only a couple people know I like girls too. I don't want to deal with that yet. it's easier to be with boys.